OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Randomize
