this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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