I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
