a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
