I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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