if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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