Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
