I faked an abortion last night.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
