So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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