dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
