I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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