so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
