you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
