If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
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It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
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I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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