her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
