I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
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Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
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A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize