Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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