i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
3pm strippers are depressing
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
