NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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