i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
