I looked at my own cervix.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
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I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
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I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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