Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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