the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
im six kinds of drunk right now
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
This toilet bowl is my home.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
