I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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