Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
