I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
