Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
