Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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