Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
