So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
