Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
