I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
