You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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