I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
You ruined the universe
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
