I faked an abortion last night.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
