is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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