I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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