I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
