shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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