I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
