I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
