I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
