Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
it glows. i had to have it.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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