I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
