Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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