I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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