So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
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