atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
