the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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