if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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