Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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