I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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