you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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