New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
