And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
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