Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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