I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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